Watch The Stars
by ithinkyourewonderful
Summary: "You wanted to die as Regina, right? Well I want you to live as Regina." Midnight wanderings of Emma Swan as she tries to avoid a certain Evil Queen.
1. Chapter 1

Watch the Stars

By ithinkyourewonderful

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Disclaimer: Not mine, never was, never will be...

Rating: PG-13 (Language)

Summary: Midnight wanderings of Emma Swan as she tries to avoid a certain Evil Queen.

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It begins because you can't stand to hear her cry out at nights, shouting out against an unknown assailant.

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It begins because you feel guilty you didn't look for her sooner. Because you didn't believe her. Again. Because you only noticed she was gone because she wasn't making your life a living hell.

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Remember when your biggest concern was the stupid amounts of paperwork she made you do over and over again?

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That's not your life anymore though, you think to yourself as you wander the empty deck of the Jolly Roger as it steers a course through space and time for the 'second star to the right and straight on till morning' (as if she didn't think googlemaps wasn't vague enough, she now has to deal with this bullshit).

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You run your hands over the splintered wooden rail and try not to wallow about the utter shitshow that your life has become - in two short years, you went from a bounty hunter with a killer new apartment to a soccer mom savior to all of Walt Disney's creatures, both great and small. You know you should be worried about Henry, and you are, but this parenting thing is still pretty new to you (not to mention having parents) and more than anything you just want the kid back safe and sound so you can go back to the land that time forgot and catch up on Extreme Ice Fishing Beauty Queens or whatever TLC decides to air next.

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You do not want to think about the other woman, the other mother as it was, lying in the small, dark room crying out because you don't want to think about her at all, so you leave the room and do nothing but think about her. About what she must have gone through at their hands, all of their hands. You don't want to think about how you feel a little guilty for thinking how it would've been easier for everyone (herself included) if she had just fucking died. You don't want to think about how it sucks balls that she's now helping you because if you're not fighting against her, you're fighting with her and if you're fighting with her, does that make you bad or does it make her good? Good and bad get kinda blurry when you know there's nothing you wouldn't do to rescue your kid.

You think back again to the pile of paperwork and you'd give anything to go back there.

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You round the corner and you stop short when you see a figure leaning so far over the edge you think they might fall in. You don't say anything however, you just stand and watch Regina as she stands and watches the clouds in the night. You wonder if you should turn around and sneak into the room now that she's out of it or if you should go over. You're debating it until she speaks to you without looking "Make up your mind Miss Swan. Stay or go, just don't stand there."

"Well you already ran me out of the room Regina, I'll be damned if I let you run me off the boat, no matter how hard you try." You shoot back, trying to joke your way out of this, like you do everything else (shut up, sometimes it works). But it doesn't now - Regina just looks at you confused, her head angled to the left, and her eyes doing that thing that makes you wonder if there wasn't a mistake - maybe Henry really is her kid after all. "You ... are a loud sleeper." You mutter as you turn away, as you look out at the sky. "The stars are different here, not the same ones from home."

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You change the subject as Regina composes herself. It's funny but the change in her is almost physical. She becomes the Evil Queen before your eyes as she holds her head up and dons her armor. You see it from the corner of your eye before you look away because you hate the Evil Queen when she comes out - she's everything you're not - composed and powerful and smart and hot (!). She makes Mayor Mills look like a pussy cat. "You know what I miss?" You start to speak, throwing her off guard. "I miss paperwork. For some reason all I can think about tonight was all that bullshit paperwork you used to make me do over and over again."

"If you just did it right the first time." She arches her eyebrow and her voice, but a quick glance lets you see her shoulders lowering, the Queen fading into the shadows of the ship. It's scary how quickly she comes and goes. "It's a lot harder running a town when you can't flay people alive, or quarter them, Miss Swan. So much more red tape when everyone thinks they have a say." She grips the railing tight, until her knuckles turn the same white of the stars. She's not wearing gloves - she's worn them since we stepped onto the boat - you see the red, raw marks where the straps held down her wrists. The gloves don't cover those, not always and you hate her a little bit for surviving. You don't know what she is anymore - she's still the Evil Queen, she must be because there's no way she could survive that as a...whatever she is... but the Evil Queen would never whimper in her sleep, cry out in pain... would she? You think more thoughts.

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"Keep thinking like that and you'll give yourself a headache dear." She murmurs, her lips curled up and her eyes, they light up for a moment. If she had just died, you wouldn't have had to notice that. Or the way you always want to see her, only to want to avoid her when you finally do. Or the way her voice makes your heart stop and your stomach drop. You wouldn't have had to think about any of these, or deal with them. They'd have been buried deep with her body in a forgotten corner of the forrest. "I hate when you call me 'dear'" You respond, except you don't hate it, you hate that she calls everyone else that too. "At the rate I'm going, I'm sure I'll be dead soon enough dear and you'll never have to hear it again." She sounds like she's joking but you aren't sure and for the first time you wonder if she wished she had died there as well. Or the mines. Regina might be right about the comment about being dead soon. "I don't want you to die, I just don't want you to call me dear."

"Don't you?" She asks, and you aren't sure if she's challenging the fact that you don't want her to die, or the fact that you don't want her to call you dear.

"I have a name, it's Emma. Emma Swan. And so do you, it's not Your Highness, or Your Majesty, it's Regina, Regina Mills. You are the daughter of Henry and Cora Mills and mother to Henry Mills and God -" She's looking at you as if you're speaking Cantonese to her, looking at the words that spill forth from your exhausted mouth and mind, trying to tear them apart. "Why do you have to make it this hard?!" You ask, shouting loudly, not caring who hears you on the fucking boat. This is bullshit, all of it, you think to yourself as you walk away.

"Make what hard, de-Ms. Swan?" She chokes on the words, but gets them out. It's that pause, that fucking shred of humanity that reveals itself just when it's most inconvenient. You spin to see her and there she is, waiting for you to look at her. Really look at her - and your heart would break if it wasn't already broken with Neal and Henry and everyone else. She's alone. You've been alone but you're not, not anymore. Now you have your parents, your friends, your son. She's always been alone and she'll always be alone. "Being your friend, being there for you! You just wait for me to disappoint you -"

"And you always succeed." She states the truth and you hate her for being right.

"So do you, Your Highness." You'll toss it right back at her, watch your accusation practically land at her feet.

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You look at her look at you. She looks like how you feel, alone and tired and cold and betrayed and you can't stand yourself for yelling at the woman who just went through a medieval torture chamber and you're too tired for this. You run to her and you grab her and you're not sure if you're going to kiss her or shake her. The look in her eyes says she's not sure either. "You wanted to die as Regina, right? Well I want you to live as Regina." You can see her mind whirling under the darkness of her eyes and you let her go because you know if you keep holding her, you won't shake her but you might kiss her just to stop her mind, to stop her from looking at you constantly, like she's waiting for you to save her too.

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You run your fingers through your hair and then grab a hold of the railing because you want to hold onto something that's not the Evil Queen. Something that's not Regina. You let your mind go to the weird place it does when you're lying in bed and your hand plays with the hem of your shirt and you think 'What if Regina was just the prissy PTA/Mayor Mom of your son and not the Evil Queen?' and 'What if you showed up on the Mayor's doorstep for a date and to watch her make dinner for you, smiling that adorable smile that no one else gets to see'. You're so busy avoiding the thoughts of 'what would it be like to be a real family with this woman who so clearly would suck at it more than you' that you don't notice her hand hover over yours for a moment before she settles it beside yours. You notice the warmth however. "I'm tired, Regina. Of fighting you and the whole town and this ship and... I just want Henry back and I want to go home and sleep for a million years and I want... So much..."

"And so little." She finishes your thought. She's always been good at that. You look at her for a moment as she smiles a little smile. The one that no one else gets to see and you put your hand on top of hers. She doesn't look at it, just keeps watching the stars. "I want...our son."

"I want a family." You don't even know where that came from.

"You'll have it, we'll find Bae and -"

"I want our family." You repeat. You're clearly crazy. You're saying all sorts of things a crazy person says. No wonder people sleep in the middle of the night. It's to stop crazy people from saying crazy things. Like calling the Evil Queen and your arch rival your family. You bite your lip to stop yourself from saying anything more. You force yourself to look dead ahead as if the stars were the most interesting thing you'd ever seen. They're new so they might be, but you're only doing that so you don't have to look at Regina, looking at you again. You try not to look at her as she raises her free hand and runs it through your hair, tucking a curl behind your ear softly. You try not to sigh as the back of her hand brushes your cheek. It's late after all, and you're tired. You're about to speak, announce you're going to bed when she speaks softly. "I miss our stars too". Her fingers spread against the wood to let yours slide in between, interlocking as you both hold onto the railing. You know what she means in the same way she knew what you meant about family. "I promise you dear," The word is softer this time around, "I will make sure Henry and you see our stars again." You aren't sure what will happen, but whatever it is, you suspect you'll face it together. You'll save your son and see the stars together. You haven't done together in a very long, long time and you hope you can remember how it goes, but even if you don't, you'll figure it out.

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Together.

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The End.


	2. Chapter 2

Watch the Stars

By ithinkyourewonderful

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Disclaimer: Not mine, never was, never will be...

Rating: PG-13 (Language)

Summary: Midnight wanderings of Emma Swan as she tries to avoid a certain Evil Queen.

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For the _second_ part, please see '**Not While I'm Around**'.


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